Month: May 2015

How to Kill a Spider


Image courtesy of Victor Habbick at

For centuries now, humanity has been at war with our eight-legged nemesis known as the spider, and unfortunately, as of right now, we are losing. A recent battle with one of them upon the deck of my home—a battle I just barely survived—has highlighted for me just how dangerous and integral our battle against them has become. So to help you win your own battles against these nightmarish creatures, I have compiled a list of all currently known ways to combat them, as well as several common misconceptions:

Spider spray: a fool’s choice of weapons to use against them. Spiders laugh at your silly bug spray.

Sunlight: a powerful weapon to employ against vampires, sunlight is woefully inadequate versus spiders. It will temporarily blind their eight hideous eyes, but does no lasting damage, and once they recover they will come for you in the night, crawl inside your ear while you are sleeping, and lay eggs in your brain. You have been warned.

Squishing them: a temporary solution at best. The spider will soon resurrect itself and any severed pieces will grow into brand new spiders. Then all the new spiders will come looking for you, seeking their revenge.

Shooting them: firearms currently have no known effect on spiders (save your silver bullets for the werewolves!).

Destroy their webbing: The material spiders make their webbing from actually grows in the swamps alongside the river Styx in the Fifth Circle of Hell. Spiders are somehow able to tear a whole in the fabric of our reality, opening a portal to Hell, and then pull the material through. Therefore, destroying the webbing alone does no good, as the spider will simply import more. The correct solution to this problem is to burn the webbing with a high-powered flamethrower, and then have a priest assist you in closing the portal to Hell and blessing the corner of your home the spider once inhabited…or at least the ashes where the corner once existed.

Burning the spider itself: there have been reports of this method offering temporary relief to a spider haunting, but only if the spider’s ashes are immediately buried in sanctified land and holy water is sprinkled over the grave. It is widely believed, however, that if this method is employed, the spider’s soul will then go on to possess another evil creature such as a scorpion or bat and come seeking its revenge.

Nuclear weapons: If your spider infestation becomes too great, your city may have to be nuked. I’m sorry, there really is no other option. Even if your city is able to recover from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, a spider infestation is much, much worse. It’s best to simply be diligent in your battles against the spiders so it does not come to this.

Alas, there is no known way to truly vanquish a spider. As long as there is evil in the world spiders will continue to exist. It is my hope that these methods will at least offer you some help, protection, and comfort in your battles against them, and perhaps save your life. If you find other methods that (you think) may work, please feel free to comment below. I wish you the best of luck in your battles with these fiendish creatures…I fear you will need it.

Disclaimer: This post is meant for entertainment purposes only and the author takes no responsibility for any injuries you inflict upon yourself, others or personal property, or any wounds or death inflicted upon you by said eight-legged adversaries.